The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!
HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2009, the penis will now be taxed according to size:
The brackets are as follows (I don’t understand those inches stuff, calculate yourself!):
– 10 to 12″ – Luxury Tax of $ 300
– 8 to 10″ – Pole Tax – $ 250
– 5 to 8″ – Privilege Tax – $ 150
– 3 to 5″ – Nuisance Tax – $ 30
Notes:
– Males exceeding 12″ must file capital gains.
– Anyone under 3″ is eligible for a tax refund.
– PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION
The IRS did not explain which party voted for the new tax.
I am fortunate not to be IRS-liable.
Letting Steam Off
Medical announcements by Apple and French researchers
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from £499 to £699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts… and not listening to them.
Your recovery checklist of today
As time management is important we organized brief stories to save you time in recovering from the 2008 hangover.
# 1
Husband climbs on the bed naked.
Wife: I have a headache.
Husband: Good! I have powdered it with aspirin.
U want to take it orally or as an injection.
# 2
Three fastest means of communication:
1. Telephone
2. Television
3. Tell-a-woman
# 3
Naked girl boarded a taxi. Driver stared.
Girl scolded him, “Never seen a naked girl before?
Driver replied “Yes! Seen many before but wondering where you keep your money to pay taxi fare.”
(Unfortunately, unlikely to happen in Beijing)
# 4
A man called his 4th wife – Baby doll,
3rd wife – China doll,
2nd wife – Barbie doll &
1st wife – Guess What?
– Panadol
# 5
Man admiring his naked body in the mirror says to wife: “Look at that 75 kg of pure dynamite”.
Wife replies: “It is a shame though about the 4 cm fuse”.
(the blog declines any accusation this is connected to Chinese anatomy)
# 6
Friends are like underwear, always near you.
Good friends are like condoms, always protecting you. (available in all entertainment outlets in Beijing, it is said)
Best friends are like Viagra, lift you up when you are down.
# 7
Man tell Pastor:
My son’s a drug addict, my daughter’s a prostitute, and my wife’s a gambler.
Pastor: Isn’t there anything positive in your family?
Man: Yes, I am HIV positive.
# 8
What is common between a wife and a private swimming pool??
Answer: The cost of maintenance is too high compared to the time you spend inside them!!!
(Do note that in the case of Baby doll, China doll and Barbie doll costs can even run higher)
Happy Birthday for me
What a relief! 2008 is buried and I hope its ghost will not haunt us (too) much.
My birthday was great. During the day I had my yearly “retreat”, bringing the much needed relaxation and meditation. Could hardly have been better.
In the evening the family went to Morel’s Restaurant (liang ma qiao lu), a very obvious and wise choice. Renaat Morel took good care of us, Sun and Valerie immediately opted for the “Belgian mussels” (imported from Japan – actually better than the Dutch one), I took the “small” special menu, emptied a bottle of champagne and we all went home STUFFED as Thanksgiving turkeys.
After watching HBO Spiderman Nr. ? (forgot, too much excitement), for the countdown to 24:00 we switched to the hilarious New Year’s Eve show on CCTV9, hilarious because of its silliness. The public seemed to be on a heavy dose of Valium. How can people wave like a slow-motion metronome with expressionless faces, listening to a great live performance of “Volare, Cantare”? It wasn’t better with the Chinese performers (the “Tibet” songs were probably done by fake Tibetans from Anhui), the audience seemed like counting the seconds they could go home.
In Beijing, you just invent fun. I had my last (?) cigar, emptied another Scotch bottle and we all went happy to bed.
Happy 2009!
A special Rat year coming to an end
The end of the year is always special for me, remembering loved ones who left us, leaving behind a void. I don’t mention them, they are in my heart.
The last days of December are a time to meet friends, to slow down. To think about the past year that has been – in this case – one marked by real challenges. Tomorrow, 31st, is “the” day to reflect on many issues. A day when often decisions are made but kept quiet. And it will be a real special date in my life. For those who know, they’ll understand.
So, this will be the last entry of the year. No work tomorrow.
Instead of serious thinking, just humor, thanks to some friends who share their funny jokes and stories.
Happy 2009 to all the readers. Hope to see you later again.