The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.’
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ‘Why, nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
‘What are the greens fees?,’ grumbled the old man.
‘This is heaven,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can play for free, every day.’
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.’
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,’ he asked.
That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!’
The old man pushed, ‘No gym to work out at?’
‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer.
‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’
‘Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.’
The old man glared at his wife and said, ‘You and your f….ing bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!’

I don’t know who came up with this but I find a sweet way to look at our Indian friends. Makes them look “real nice”. Wish Chinese people could come up with something similar, leaving a positive impression!

Why Indians cannot be terrorists!!
1. We are always late; we would have missed all 4 flights.
2. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves.
3. With free food & drinks on the plane, we would forget why we’re there
4. We talk with our hands;therefore we would have to put our weapons down.
5. We would ALL want to fly the plane.
6. We would argue and start a fight in the plane.
7. We can’t keep a secret; we would have told everyone a week before doing it.
8. We would have put our country’s flag on the windshield.
9. We would have postponed the mission because a cricket match was going on that day
10. We would all have fallen over each other to be in the photograph being taken with one of the hostages.

The only thing that the IRS has not taxed yet is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 10% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 1% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!
HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2009, the penis will now be taxed according to size:
The brackets are as follows (I don’t understand those inches stuff, calculate yourself!):
– 10 to 12″  – Luxury Tax of $ 300
– 8 to 10″ – Pole Tax – $ 250
– 5 to 8″ – Privilege Tax – $ 150
– 3 to 5″ – Nuisance Tax – $ 30
Notes:
– Males exceeding 12″ must file capital gains.
– Anyone under 3″ is eligible for a tax refund.
– PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION
The IRS did not explain which party voted for the new tax.
I am fortunate not to be IRS-liable.

As time management is important we organized brief stories to save you time in recovering from the 2008 hangover.
# 1
Husband climbs on the bed naked.
Wife: I have a headache.
Husband: Good! I have powdered it with aspirin.
U want to take it orally or as an injection.
# 2
Three fastest means of communication:
1. Telephone
2. Television
3. Tell-a-woman
# 3
Naked girl boarded a taxi. Driver stared.
Girl scolded him, “Never seen a naked girl before?
Driver replied “Yes! Seen many before but wondering where you keep your money to pay taxi fare.”
(Unfortunately, unlikely to happen in Beijing)
# 4
A man called his 4th wife – Baby doll,
3rd wife – China doll,
2nd wife – Barbie doll &
1st wife – Guess What?
– Panadol
# 5
Man admiring his naked body in the mirror says to wife: “Look at that 75 kg of pure dynamite”.
Wife replies: “It is a shame though about the 4 cm fuse”.
(the blog declines any accusation this is connected to Chinese anatomy)
# 6
Friends are like underwear, always near you.
Good friends are like condoms, always protecting you. (available in all entertainment outlets in Beijing, it is said)
Best friends are like Viagra, lift you up when you are down.
# 7
Man tell Pastor:
My son’s a drug addict, my daughter’s a prostitute, and my wife’s a gambler.
Pastor: Isn’t there anything positive in your family?
Man: Yes, I am HIV positive.
# 8
What is common between a wife and a private swimming pool??
Answer: The cost of maintenance is too high compared to the time you spend inside them!!!
(Do note that in the case of Baby doll, China doll and Barbie doll costs can even run higher)