1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing,. It’s called the stock market – Jay Leno
2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are ?? Wall Street is now being called Wal Mart Street – Jay Leno
3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW
4. What’s the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!
5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing’s right and on the right side nothing’s left.
6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it’s a scam. Don’t fall for it – Jay Leno
7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy bar – Jay Leno
8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush’s copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures – Jay Leno
9. President Bush’s response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21 – Jay Leno
10. What worries me most about the credit crunch, is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped ‘insufficient funds’. I won’t know whether that refers to mine or the bank’s.
Humor
Vodka & Red Bull Christmas Cake
Ingredients:
1 cup water; 1 cup of brown sugar; 1 tsp baking soda; 1 cup of sugar; 1 tsp salt; Lemon Juice; 4 large eggs; Nuts; 2 cups dried fruit
and
1 bottle of Vodka; 1 can of Red Bull
Method:
1. Sample the vodka to check the quality.
2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and mix with a little red bull and drink.
4. Repeat.
5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
7. At this point its is best to make sure the vodka is still ok.
8. Flavour with red bull to taste.
9. Try another cup – just in case turn off the mixerer.
10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
11. Pick fruit off floor
12. Mix on the turner.
13. If the dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitity, flavour with a little Bed Rull.
15. Next ssiffft two cups of salt. Or something … Who giveshz a shi**
16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder
17. Pick up the can, mop the floor
18. Check the vodka
19. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
20. Add one table.
21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
23. Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog.
25. Fall into bed.
CHERRY MISTMAS
The White House prepares for the new President
Soon, the great day. A new president for the USA. As the “Man of the Year” and a focus of hope, our American friends are in a frenzy to prepare Washington and the White House.
The French also came up with a suggestion to change the name of the “White House”.
How Prince Charles stopped jogging
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
Every day, he’d jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
‘One hundred and fifty pounds!’ she’d shout from the curb.
‘No! Five pounds!’ He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He’d run by and she’d yell, ‘One hundred and Fifty Pounds!’
He’d yell back, ‘Five pounds!’
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her ‘husband’ on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman’s street corner, Prince Charles realized she’d bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he’d really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he’d better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute’s eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, ‘See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!’
Women don’t understand men
A woman is driving on the road…
A man is driving in the opposite direction, on that same road…
When they pass each other, the man rolls down his window and shouts – Horse!
Immediately the woman shouts back – Wanker!
The woman laughs because she is happy to have reacted so quickly to the shouting man, and takes the turn in the road with high speed.
The moral: “Women never understand what men say”